so yesterday was my ex-boyfriend’s birthday so I decided to send him a message on facebook…. I kept battling with myself on whether I should send him anything.
We ended our relationship about 2 months ago and I was really hurt by the way that he had treated me. For someone to break with you and in an instant change their feelings about you is just so insane!! I could understand someone falling out of love with over time and the relationship was just going downhill over time but I have never heard of someone just saying “I don’t have the same feelings for you as I used to” is so bogus. Especially for a relationship went to go as far as talking about marriage and how you gonna spend the rest of your lives together. He would tell me that he doesn’t care what anyone said about us that he would be happy with me no matter what anyone says. He said he would be the best dad to my son and show him what a good dad looks like. I thought we had a good solid relationship going for 5 months but it all started crumbling after this one conversation…….
He told me that all of sudden that he kept thinking of how his life would be without me. He made up some lame excuse of if I interrupted his thinking process somehow that he would have been fine. I think that is the worst excuse you can give…. I kept telling myself that it will get better and overlook that he said that. I think that I kept trying to hide from myself that he is just repeating what he did last time and just wanted the happy ending with him. He is after all my first love….
I think in my mind that I would rather have a mediocre relationship with my first love then think that there could possibly be someone that will treat me like I am the only woman in the world for them. I think that I tried to ignore what God had in store for me and tried to make my own love story tale up in my head. In my head I always feel like because I have a son thats half black that I can’t find a good korean man for me. Its so hard to think that somewhere out there there is someone just for me, waiting to find me. I’m pretty sure he has no idea who I am and would not even expect his future wife to have a child.
I think at the moment I have been trying to ignore the fact that there is someone out there for me but sometimes its just so hard to ignore it…. I know that if I keep myself busy, I won’t have to think about having a bf. I am really trying to focus on my future and trying to do what is best for me and my son. I can’t say that I don’t think about it at all but I try to not think about it. I guess I should just pray that God will provide that one person for me when it is God’s plan and not my own.
God, I want to fully trust that your plan is the best plan for me. Help me to see that my life is not my own and my goal in life is to give you praise in everything that I do. I know that you know the desires of my heart and that you will provide that one person that you have chosen for me. Help me to be patient and wait for that person when you provide me with that person. In Jesus’s Name, Amen.